While he acknowledged that he knows he shouldn't 'go looking for grief' by doing these things, the grieving father said 'it's easier said than done.' Michael Lewis (pictured) opened up about the tragedy on an episode of Andrew Sullivan's The Weekly Dish podcast Lewis described how two months on from the tragedy he finds himself searching for the grief by going into Dixie's bedroom to look at the plans she had for life and to flick through photos of the 19-year-old. 'You're simultaneously getting through your day and rewriting this imagined future and it's not just a painful thing, it's a depleting thing.' He likened it to a computer freezing: 'What I think is happening is it's like when your computer freezes up because it doesn't have the RAM to deal with whatever it's trying to do.' 'Your mind does not prepare you for the death of a child.' And when it happens it will be sad but you kind of prepared yourself for that. 'Your mind is already working to prepare you for the death of your parents and from a very early age you kind of think that will happen. 'You cant imagine a future without that child - the natural order of things is that I go first. And I've been asking myself why do I feel so depleted and I think it's because i think your mind maps a sort of reality at any given time and you sort of have an imagined future and that child is in that future. 'Less exhausting than it was a month ago. 'This particular grief - I suppose all grief - is exhausting,' he said. The grief of losing a child is especially 'exhausting', Lewis said, because parents imagine a future with their children in it and the 'natural order' is that parents die first. 'It does feel like a hole has been blown in our lives and the question is what do you grow in that hole and how you grow from this experience,' he said. The father-of-three likened the family's grief to 'a hole' in their lives and said he is trying to find a way to 'grow' from that hole. The young couple were both pronounced dead at the scene Schultz was driving the Ford Fusion sedan they were in northbound on Route 89 when the car veered into the left lane and struck a Freightliner semi head on. 'That it's a journey that you go on - it doesn't really feel like that.' The idea that it's a process that you get through - I don't think that's really true. 'None of the metaphors that I've been handed on the shelf seem to really work. 'It's been an absolutely gutting experience and it's an interesting thing how you respond to such an experience,' he said. Lewis told Sullivan how the 'gutting' grief he is feeling is like nothing he has ever experienced and that 'none of the metaphors' people use to describe it come close.
'She was full of life and had a great life ahead of her and it's very hard day to day when you know the last thing you're going to do when you go to bed is think of her and the first thing you're going to do when you wake up is think of her,' he said. 'And she had such a gift for living and she was loved as much as a human being can be loved and she knew it.'ĭixie was a 'pistol' who was 'brave' and 'worked her a** off', Lewis said, adding that he 'was so proud of her.' The father paid tribute to his daughter as a 'pistol' who 'was full of life'.He said he knows he shouldn't 'go looking for grief' but 'it's easier said than done' as the grief has become a 'stand-in' for Dixie so he doesn't want to let it go.Lewis described how he finds himself going into Dixie's bedroom to look at the plans she had for life and to flick through photos of her.The grief of losing a child is especially 'exhausting', Lewis said, because the 'natural order' is that parents die first.Lewis said he has 'never known grief like this' describing the last two months as 'the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life'.The bestselling author said t'no one knows' why the couple's car crossed into the opposite lane.Lewis opened up about the tragedy on an episode of Andrew Sullivan's The Weekly Dish podcast.Dixie Lewis and her boyfriend Ross Schultz, 20, were killed in a crash near Truckee, California, on May 25, when their car struck a Freightliner semi head on.'The grief is exhausting': Moneyball author Michael Lewis says he still doesn't know what caused car crash that killed his daughter, 19, as he reveals family's agonizing grief and how he goes into her untouched bedroom to be close to her